Hi, I’m Arden, and I believe in the power of friendship and compassion.
I’m going to start off with some things about me, because who I am is pretty pivotal to everything I have to say here. First, I’m the host of a system. If you don’t know what a system is, a system is one of the terms for multiple personalities in one mind. The most well known classification for systemhood is DID. We don’t have DID, we have (likely) OSDD-1b. Because of this I’ll alternate between we and I when referring to ourselves.
I say “likely” because we are not diagnosed. When we discovered our systemhood we also had a pervasive fear of being institutionalized. We’ve always been afraid of having our autonomy taken from us, this fear meant we didn’t feel comfortable sharing this information with our biological family or medical professionals. Furthermore, our systemhood was something we developed because we needed it to cope with our life – and desired it – We didn’t want help reintegrating because we didn’t desire to be “one.” And we definitely don’t need a diagnosis to recognize multiple people exist in our head. And no, they aren’t just “emotions” – Each one can experience many emotions.
We also didn’t believe (and still don’t believe) that systemhood must be “cured” via integration. Reintegration is a choice in lifestyle. Conversely, even though our system came about to help with trauma, we believe systemhood is a way of living anyone can pursue if they wish to. Life as a system is not inferior to life as a singlet (the opposite of a system) and many systems do not have memory gaps (these are mostly associated with DID.) Tulpamancy and soulbonding are terms already used by people for the purpose of inducing multiplicity intentionally. This is tangential though, I may cover it in a future post.
Our system developed mostly in our late teens/early adulthood. At this point in our life we were very unwell. Our childhood had been traumatic, we grew up with a father who was an addict of multiple substances and emotionally abusive. In the worst years things were often stollen for drug money, including our own possessions, and we would be gaslit about it. Our father would badger our mother for money and start conflict when he didn’t get his way. The atmosphere of our home was a constant miasma of uncertainty, instability, stress, tension… Pile onto this two much younger neurodivergent siblings, each learning how to cope with their circumstance in different ways. It was very stressful.
In addition to the suffering of growing up in that environment, we also had the confusing feeling of “At least we don’t get beaten.” And even now I anticipate people thinking, “Well thats not so bad, other people had it worse so you shouldn’t complain” And to that make-believe person, I’d like to inform you that emotional abuse (especially during childhood) is actually shown to be more traumatic than physical and sexual abuse.
I would also like to say I don’t think trauma should be weighed on a scale. I mainly bring up this point because I don’t think many people are aware of how downplayed emotional abuse is. Meanwhile, sexual abuse is treated as the worst thing imaginable – That if you’re raped as a child your life is ruined forever. To that I say: No life is ever ruined forever. Anybody, regardless what trauma they suffer, has the power to put themselves back together and define their own life. Abusers don’t define our futures.
In addition to our disorderly family life, at 16 we had discovered we were attracted to a friend’s younger brother. He was around 7, though we’re not certain thats the correct age. He was small enough that it wasn’t painful when he sat in our lap and fell asleep one time. Nothing ever happened with that boy, but our crush on him changed our life.
Earlier in our life we also had a significant attraction towards adults, and a large disinterest in our peers. Alone in our room, we would think about this. Sometimes fantasies of a romantic father figure which included sexual elements. Sometimes it was more realistic, we realized the kind of men we were thinking about were demonized by our society. They were seen strictly as predators, even if they didn’t engage in those relationships – But especially if they did. This seemed greatly unfair to us, we hated it. That any adult who might love us the way we desired would be called a monster – regardless of how we felt about it. We felt a lot of resentment at society for this, and we decided “They’re all stupid, nobody knows these obvious things because they’re too scared to question them.”
We still agree with our past self, but we wouldn’t have phrased it the same way today. It’s not a black and white issue unless you assume you know the mindset and emotions of every child and every offender. Life isn’t simple and it never will be, simple answers are appealing but they’re all lies that guide you farther from the truth. People are complex.
That first realization led us to lose faith in society, and the second realization – That now we were a MAP as well – Felt like a sentence to longterm loneliness. We would never be understood, we would never belong. The world wasn’t for us. We would rather suffer alone than live a lie. Our hatred of society grew and we withdrew. As soon as we finished high school we gave up on life. We cut off all the friends we had in real life, we stopped talking to family. We thought “They wouldn’t love us if they knew anyway.” We planned to die before 25, and until then we’d waste away in bed.
The reason we didn’t die is because we found someone who did love us, all the “ugly” parts included. We thought maybe life could be worth it. This might sound like a happy ending, a convenient fix, but life isn’t that simple.
We were still very unwell. We hadn’t grown up with healthy examples of emotional expression and communication. Our only examples of intimacy came from media, and we had always latched onto toxic romance in media. A pain drenched in love was more appealing than the kind of pain we felt, isolated as we were. Complete and total acceptance of another – To death – Was greatly appealing. But all of this meant we had no idea how to have a healthy relationship.
We became codependent with that person. We were emotionally abusive, we didn’t know we could be anything else. They loved us, and they became our enabler. I don’t say this to villainize them, they were well intentioned and we still think fondly of them. They knew they were our only reason to live. How can you have a healthy and fair relationship when so much weighs on one person? You can’t. Even if you treat them as fairly as possible, if they know leaving would be your death sentence, they wont feel they can leave. They’ll put up with things that are bad for them. They may even suppress the desire to leave, because that would feel “wrong.” There are many things we regret in that relationship.
That relationship did end, after making it nearly a decade. We still deeply value that person and the hope their presence gave us. But things had to end so that we could move forward. It always had to happen. Codependency is a comfortable cage, but still a cage.
At the same time we lost that relationship (as well as a few others) we had found the fediverse. More specifically the “pedophile” section of the fediverse, often referred to as “pedi” – Short for “pediverse.” This was the first time we were aware of a wider community of people like us. A publicly available community for MAPs and other paraphiles. This is where we started to truly grow again for the first time in a decade.
All of the feelings we had felt when we realized other people wouldn’t dare to speak the thoughts we had, and the feelings from when we had realized we were a MAP. “There’s no place for me in the world” “Everyone would hate you if they knew” “Society isn’t for us” “Nobody will ever understand us.” These were all lies that held us back, and they began to disintegrate.
At the same time we became startlingly aware of the power of our voice. When we said something controversial, we weren’t simply banned or ostracized. People valued our input. We would learn from others and they learned from us. Conversations that couldn’t exist in mainstream society *flourished* – Discussions on youth autonomy and childhood sexuality, the feelings we had as a kid. Conversations that couldn’t currently exist anywhere else. Such talks elsewhere would quickly dissolve into pedophilia related accusations, and everyone knows thats the worst thing someone can be called.
Im thankful now that we stayed true to ourselves – though I wish we had held ourselves back less, and had hurt those who loved us less. Im thankful I’m a MAP, because if I wasn’t, would I be nearly this brave? Would I get to have the kinds of conversations I have now? I definitely wouldn’t know any of the amazing people who inspire me. Fellow MAPs that fight for a better world for people like us, for the young people growing up the way we grew up.
I definitely wouldn’t be able to say “I have people who would love me and accept me even if they knew I was a MAP” Because they already know! But how many people can say that? Thats the reward for being authentically yourself; People can love the real you.
Im not done fixing our life yet, we had spent half of our life waiting for the pain to stop, and the other half letting it crumble around us. I still have lows, I’m still learning how to exist without codependency and how to build a life from what feels like nothing. But Im aware of my power now. I don’t just belong in society, I already exist in it. And I can make people see me – and the people like me. I can play a part in building a better world for our younger selves. I’d rather die trying than accept young people like us have to grow up with the feelings of abandonment and isolation we grew up with.
Society isn’t broken beyond repair any more than we were. Society isn’t doomed, the world isn’t doomed. But it is if nobody fights for it. If everyone says “the problem is too big, I cant fix it, why even try” then nobody tries, and nothing changes. The way we save the world is by believing in ourselves enough to try. If enough people try, and encourage others to join them, then things change. Things are already changing. The fight for societal change can only be won by people realizing the power of their voice and banding together.
I’m talking as a MAP, as a child abuse survivor, as a queer trans person… As a human. All of the problems we face in society can be fought from a single goal: The wellbeing of all. The goal of achieving harmony with our species and with the planet. So I’m not just talking about my own “agenda” – My agenda is the betterment of all, even if right now you see me as your enemy. Those are the kinds of things I plan to post about. Anything from MAP activism to feminism to environmental activism.
No matter what problems you have with the world you have the power to create and influence change. Focus on yourself first, you can’t help the world if you can’t help yourself. Take little steps and start small, each day it builds up.
Just keep walking; you’ll get there if you keep walking.