I feel like my existence (as a masochist) encourages “evil” sometimes. And not just for myself but maybe in general.
I want to be harmed without my own consent – I just want to set it up with someone I trust not to take that too far. So that I know even if my pain or discomfort is enjoyable they wont keep escalating and take it into things that would ruin either of our lives. I’m attracted to people who do the worst things. I love sadists so much, it scares me how much because I know I wont want everything that gets done. But thats exactly why I like them. Thats why they’re so attractive to me.
But… A huge amount of the people into that kind of real power and control and rape are actually very unwell. A lot of them are insecure. They feel rejected by society. They feel like they’re actual monsters – If thats what you get called by everyone, thats what you become. Its like how Tyki used to be. They are often the way they are because thats all they know how to be. And when the pleasure of sadism is a coping strategy to feel in control – How much is my desire actually holding them back?
How toxic might it get? Especially if that sadist hasnt learned how to process difficult emotions properly and communicate them healthily. This isnt about any particular person – Its just an observation.
I think this puts all my big sexuality concerns out there.
I always think MAP attractions are NOT my issue. It’s hybristophilia and a love of the mentally unstable people who need to harm others to feel like they belong and have control – I want to help them, but is that even possible for someone like me? The excuse will always be there “well, he’s into it so its okay if I keep going far beyond what we agreed to initially” or maybe the “well he didn’t outwardly say not to do this very very specific form of torture for days-“
People who need to hurt others and take control of their lives to feel okay will always be really vulnerable to justification. And the worst part is its not usually a sadistic abuser being planning an outcome like that, they might just decide while being very mentally ill that its justifiable – And deciding that before even trying to resolve the issue with communication too. That’s a ticking time bomb.
And then bad things happen and if the killer doesn’t off themself, well theres a good chance their life gets ruined and why focus on regret when society wouldnt accept you anyway? Why not just keep being the monster? If that person gets imprisoned thats still a shitty life and prison wont help them work through it and become happier – And if they arent imprisoned (or get released) thats how you get a repeat killer.
I would love helping mentally unwell sadists to be my life’s purpose, but I’m not sure if its a very smart or safe choice. I think I’ll need to be very careful in who I let in.