The importance of sex-positive / kink-positive feminism

From my time stalking some of pro-rape “misogyny is the natural way, women are made to please men and should be enslaved” corners of the internet I’ve learned a lot. It’s the intersection of abuse and your own sexuality, insecurity, the fear of lack of control, and the fear of standing on your own. The fear of rejection and abandonment.

I want to state clearly: This is not a kink to these people, they believe it’s our inherent reality – They genuinely think one sex is greater, one is lesser. Women can only be fulfilled by men, and men have to be the king of their home. That’s the reality they live in. This is probably why attempts at dismantling gender norms are so scary to the right where these people gather. Feminism upsets them, trans people are their worst nightmare. The idea they might be wrong is terrifying because they rely on gender norms and oppression and build their lives around it. Many might prefer to die on that hill without ever knowing how much they’re giving away to a system of cultural norms.

These people oddly blame feminism for everything wrong in the world, as if things have “deteriorated” since women have achieved rights. And it’s feminism’s “fault” for giving a woman rights because she specifically would rather not have them – Some women feel this way because figuring out life is hard, and for a submissive, service feels good. It’s easier to leave the direction up to a man or up to gender norms. Go along with whatever’s the current culture, and they don’t question the narrative if it makes you uncomfortable to do so. The truth is you should investigate the questions and topics that make you uncomfortable or disgusted. Those feelings are there to alert you to something. Ask yourself why. But here’s an easy answer: Feminism doesn’t prevent women being sexual slaves if they desire it, feminism doesn’t force women to hide their sexuality – That’s sex shame influenced by religious puritanism.

They think feminism made the world worse (men and women alike in these communities), and that secretly, all “real” men are wife beaters or rapists. The women in their lives, on or offline, often encourage that behaviour because they’re aroused by it. They say what the man wants to hear – “Yes, you’re better than me and I worship you” paired with the fear of not having someone to rely on, and the lack of direction without a man leading their life… Filling out each other’s kinks (because that is what they should be) in a sexually oppressed society adds fuel to the fire.

Codependency develops, and the submissives in those situations often have submitted their entire sense of self to this concept. Relying on the man (who may not even have good life skills or good decision making abilities) and giving up school and careers, leaving no resources to fall back on. They’ve signed into a contract that may be harder to get out of than they thought. And maybe things are worse now, because the sense of power and the belief in those kinks as reality has shifted life into a nightmare.

Some people being sexually abused end up feeling pleasure against their wishes, sometimes this feeds into the abuser’s fantasy reality and the power imbalance and lack of respect for women as people encourages progressively worse treatment. Men who don’t know how to process sadness, grief, or any kind of vulnerability are emotionally explosive men. Whether the abuse is emotional, physical, and/or sexual. This means they suppress their true feelings from themselves because they can’t handle the thought of being weak. Instead, they swing into power and control. It feels safer.

If someone doesn’t know what their abusive partner really wants, and they dont know how to recognize all those feelings themselves – pre-emptive communication to avoid emotional blowups isn’t possible. You’re left guessing what’s really on their mind, of if they’d even tell you if you asked them. Resentments they might not even acknowledge build up, until something is so upsetting it becomes an excuse to push the bar. Women being abused by their partners almost always say they don’t think their partner would ever kill them. But very many people don’t realize how scary abuse statistics are.

I read an article recently, you can read it here.

Here’s a preview from the essay that Im including here for important reasons:

Here’s a link to some statistics from the National Library of Medicine.

Some more information, such as the annual death rate for DV in the US being 1500.

Here’s a little bit more: Every 11 minutes a woman is killed by DV.

Nobody ever really expects their partner would kill them, but then things go unsaid, unrecognized, they build up, and something bursts. And control is sought in those emotional moments. Many killers regret their actions after, other’s say “it’s just a woman” Part of this is because they dehumanize women and therefor don’t empathize with them, but it’s also helps to “justify” the action in the killer’s mind. Everyone has an internal story they tell themselves about who they are, and the only way to have control in a situation where you were always wrong, always abusive, always causing harm to feel in control, always relying on power over others to feel good about themselves… Someone might choose to stay in that delusion rather than accept the truth; That they were wrong, weak, emotional, traumatized, etc.

People at that point can’t handle the truth of their situation. This is called cognitive dissonance and it plays a big role in oppression and abuse. Here are some images I found.

This is partly to protect the ego (sense of self) in the face of a potentially unsettling experience, because you’ve received information you didn’t know existed, or because your vision of reality was starkly conflicted. Remember, it’s always okay (and good) to question your beliefs. Beliefs that don’t change is a person that doesn’t grow.

Back to the point of control, cognitive dissonance might be very triggering for someone if their concept of reality revolved around them being in control of a someone else. You can’t predict to what lengths someone is willing to go when they dehumanize you and rely on control over you to feel secure in themselves. If they’re upset and communication doesn’t happen, someday it might come out in the worst ways.

Now, this is where feminism and its effects come back into importance.

Those women often grow up being told (and they tell themselves as well) that their worth revolves around men. This is also what the misogynists tell them, feeding into their desires but also their own genuine worldview. This process of dehumanization belittles the woman’s self confidence, she doesn’t think she can take care of herself, or sort out her own life, she’s bought into the message of gender based incompetency. But on top of that she may lack education and resources to know how to fix her life if things get dangerous.

While I’m not saying this at all to diminish the trauma of living that experience, not believing in yourself and feeling helpless, I also want to call attention to the abuser. People don’t use mental health as an “excuse” (I’m sure some do intend to use it in that way) because they’re always correct. Abuse generally isn’t well calculated, it’s the product of unmanaged mental illness and personality disorders. Here are some sources if you doubt this.

From the World Psychiatric Association – Link

Mental illness itself is a minor part of abuse, but personality disorders are a much larger factor.

A break down in personality disorders and most common ones linked with abuse: Link

I would like to take this moment to say this is not the stigmatization of personality disorders, as the compiler of this information, I have had borderline personality disorder (and still experiences traits of it) and it has led to abuse in the past.

Theres a valuable lesson to be learned: Someone can love you and care for you and still abuse you, and that’s because that person never learned the right way how to manage their emotions. Personality disorders are formed early from traumatic childhood experiences and family dynamics. The only way to heal (and have healthy relationships) is to confront that trauma and process it. Until then it will secretly run the lives of the abuser and those around them.

Here’s another link about the formation of personality disorders, and here’s another.

If you’re reading this essay and it’s checking some boxes, you owe it to yourself and those around you (regardless of which perspective you’re in) to investigate the situation critically. Start by reading those links, and go from wherever the evidence takes you.

Back to feminism – and where sex and kink-positivity come into play

These women believe they are lesser because people (and society) told them they are, and it was easier than forming their own life to let a man take control. Those men believe they are greater, because the woman beside them is “worthless” and by comparison, this makes them feel better about their shitty lives and their need to control.

This is a disaster waiting to happen, for both partners and for any children in their care.

The kink dynamic these people treat as reality every day is also a perfect storm. These women often end up with these men because that dynamic arouses them, or because they’ve been exposed to sexual trauma and it’s become normal to them. This doesn’t make any of this the victim’s fault but it does mean many of them internalize shame over it. Either they reclaim their pain through acceptance of more pain to feel in control, or they’re at odd with themselves over their arousal.

The dominant and submissive roles in this dynamic might escalate to further extremes as an abuser escalates, or maybe most of the abuse is outside of sex. Regardless, many women are pushed – or desire – to do degrading things.

We live in a puritanical society that’s influenced by religion, and deviant sexuality is shunned as a devil in itself. Some employers will even fire workers over “inappropriate personal life” things that are posted (by the victim or not) on social media. This is purely based on not wanting to look bad as a company/business, for having someone that at some point performed degrading sexual acts.

This pervasive sex-negativity and the demonization of deviant desires in itself creates a trap for those submissive women.

Here are some thoughts that may come from that perspective:

”I can’t tell anyone I do (or enjoy) this because then I could lose everything, and that might be even worse than the abuse”

”I’m not capable of anything, why try? Maybe I’ll just feel good until it’s over”

”Women only ever get successful from doing sexual favours anyway, what if I don’t have any skill and just fail?”

”What would everyone think if they knew?”

Now take a moment to consider the amount of social power an abuser like this has, and how limiting things seem for the victim. When they say “no one else would accept you” they may hope for it, but they also often genuinely believe it, because society punishes sexual nonconformity. People will even lose jobs over it. The shame around deviant sexuality in our culture has led to a world that survivors don’t feel supported in, because they really aren’t being supported in it. I never see anyone talking about this topic, which is part of why I’m trying to do it justice.

We need a massive reform to how we handle sexuality as a culture, we need to make it easier for survivors of all kinds of abuse to live with less fear. They need to know if they seek help, not only will almost everyone still love and accept them, but any content recorded by an abuser will be powerless as blackmail. It would still hurt and potentially be traumatic, but it won’t have massively life altering effects, because nobody else will care other than to say “I’m sorry that happened to you.” There won’t be gossip, because sexual deviance isn’t taboo or scandalous, it’s just two humans experience/expressing sexuality – and unwilling abuse is recognized as wrong and undeserved.

Abuser’s don’t want to lose that power and control, they rely on it. Degradation being taboo makes their (maybe even subconscious) mission easier – Gain and maintain control. If “Only I’ll accept you and tolerate you” or if “Only I can meet your disgusting needs” are taken away, they lose their most powerful tools. Suddenly, their illusion of the reality they live in where women are truly inferior and incapable will start cracking – Because a large part of it hinges on degradation itself being taboo. It’s regarded as a “secret truth” they believe is behind most doors. The more normalized deviant sexuality becomes, the more freedom submissive women gain. Their worth as a human is not determined by any sex acts – willing or forced. Nothing done in private will ever undo everything women commit to society in their daily lives, and that security can no longer be taken away.

I’m going to include some examples of the perspectives I’ve talked about here, and you can see for yourself how these thought processes have shaped these relationships and the individual’s understanding of gender norms and society.

All (or the vast majority) of these screenshots come from accounts that actively identify as *real* misogynists, rapists, and some white supremacists. They include encouragement of actual rape and abuse. I also included images that show how someone like this uses degradation kink as a way to devalue women (and others who submit to degrading acts). In our current society, where taboo is often shamed and valued as a moral failing, victims who have (either willingly or not) engaged degrading acts are put at an even higher disadvantage. Everything is stacked against them.

Keep in mind while you read the images that the problem is not the desires themselves. These things would be fine coming from accounts that include fantasy disclaimers, that’s the important division. Sexual deviance itself is not the problem, someone can do degrading acts and love themself and enjoy their own deviance with consenting (even cnc dynamics) partners. It’s not bad to have a rape kink (on either end), it’s bad to actually rape people and actually encourage rape towards others.

Many women have rape fantasies – This doesn’t mean that women are pre-determined to enjoy degradation and rape, it’s not a green flag that makes female oppression justified. But it does mean that many women have something that can easily be used against them, whether by peers, their partner, or their own mind.

”I enjoy this, so that proves I really am less.” Feelings don’t prove anything.

We have to destroy this narrative.

The following images have some sexual images, and all or most have come from the kind of people I’ve spoken about. Accounts often get deleted (intentionally or banned) but some still exist and new ones are always made. I don’t believe the answer is wiping these people off the internet, because then they’ll fall further into echo-chambers of enabling. I believe in meeting people where they are and trying to get through to them. If you can’t do that, it may be better not to speak to them at all. Someone who feels attacked only heightens their defences.

It’s called sex-positive feminism because the oppressed and vulnerable group is lifted up, and this doesn’t mean pushing men down either. As it currently is, many people who are aroused by abuse and rape are drawn into spaces dominated by men like these, and those people end up encouraging their own oppression, which often leads to codependency and real abuse.

Before I start to conclude this topic, I want to explain an important part of sex positive feminism.

Sex shame comes from (unsurprisingly) internalized shame of one’s sexuality. It comes from the notion that sexual deviance itself is “wrong” somehow, or lessens a person. Every time someone projects their own shame, they deeper ingrain those same internalized messages to the people around them. Most people develop sexual shame as their sexuality is developing – As children.

The intersection of youth sexuality and the influence of sexual norms

Parents often have an adverse reaction to their child’s first expressions of sexuality, they may react with disgust because of their own discomfort. They might even scold their child, try to prevent masturbation, tell them it’s wrong. And where did those parent’s get those messages? Probably from the adults in their childhood. Children internalize the messages around them. They learn to believe them, especially if everyone around them mimics the same messages.

We all need to talk to our children about sexuality, and we have to not leave out things just because they make us uncomfortable. We need to accept their feelings without telling them whatever they feel is wrong or bad – Instead we should tell them “All feelings are okay, but that doesn’t mean you should do anything just because it feels good. You have to take things slowly and explore your own interests, and you should ask a trusted adult when you have questions.” We need to meet their vulnerability with information they can use to protect themselves.

Leaving our young uninformed is a significant reason why the rates of teenage pregnancies are so high, why sexual violence done by teenagers is more common than people think. It’s why we internalize the idea there are harmful fantasies that are innately wrong to feel desire for and develop shame. Consider the children and teenagers growing up right now and how all these things are effecting them.

We can’t protect if we don’t educate. Young people should be taught to accept their sexual feelings and communicate honestly without shame. Then true support can be given with the longterm wellbeing of the child’s relationship with sexuality in mind. Shame for feelings and attraction shouldn’t exist. It will only ever hurt the vulnerable more, in addition to hurting everyone else it touches.

Here’s some more reading material that covers this subject: Research, book citing research, research, research, book citing research. This is just a few to get you started, though unfortunately almost all are paywalled because researcher’s need to make money. This doesn’t excuse not doing the research, children are being affected by the messages we send in daily life every day. As a culture, we have to face our demon’s, accept our sexualities, and talk to our young if we really value their wellbeing.

I’m still in the process of educating myself, so I don’t vouch for everything all of these sources claim. I very firmly stand by the importance of the subject, however.

Now, back to those women in abusive partnerships:

How do you get out of a situation where you feel you’re worthless and incapable? You can’t pick yourself up until you decide to believe in yourself and work towards it. I recommend looking into Adlerian psychology and attachment theory, both things help with this process. Occupational therapy is also helpful for people who need to learn how to function as people in society. There are a lot of things to look into, but if you always wait until tomorrow the relationship will never end, or it’ll end badly when you don’t expect it. Learn to value yourself, because you should always rely on yourself first and foremost. You should be your own strongest ally, and you should fight for your happiest life.

And a note on abusers – Nobody deserves dehumanization:

I don’t share those images with the intent of others seeking those people out to “justify” saying mean things to someone. If you want to hurt someone and want a justifiable excuse, that’s an issue you need to look into on your own.

Many abusers are loved by the people they’ve abused; the survivors wish isn’t always a desire for revenge. Many abused people don’t want the dehumanization of their partner or abuser, this is not about knocking down abusive men. It’s about lifting the abused up and onto even ground where they can make their own choices about their own feelings and desires. Abusers are almost always victims of traumatic childhood’s that have led to the formation of personality disorders. In some cases they might not even be aware of those disorders.

Encouraging abuse and rape is never acceptable or justifiable, it’s objectively wrong. But if we add onto the pile of painful experiences many people will just further sink into their role to rely on that feeling of control. They can end up being repeat abusers. The better longterm option, even if you don’t care about abusers yourself, is to improve mental health awareness and offer people the chance to change. This does not look like giving someone 5 or 6 chances with the same results over and over. Definitely don’t even try to revisit the relationship until you’ve both done serious attachment healing work. If they wont put in the work, they aren’t worth your investment.

A final note, be a little suspicious of anyone who tries to downplay the importance of mental health awareness, feminism, or the stigma of taboo sexuality. Abuser’s are among us, always talk in a way that doesn’t feed into their warped narrative.

Conversely, also be suspicious of anyone who claims it’s in children’s best interest to protect them from their own psychological sexual development. Is it really about protecting kids? Maybe we should ask them what they think and how they feel. When we diminish their voices, feelings, and experiences, we’re teaching them they don’t matter as much as societal norms and expectations of purity.

Lastly, I’m not an academic, this is just a subject I’m passionate about. If you know more than me, please educate me. Your opinion on its own doesn’t count though, disliking something or feeling discomfort doesn’t indicate right or wrong. Evidence does.