This is to cover my opinions on abuse as well as my personal experiences as victim, enabler, and abuser. I’m talking from the perspective of someone who has experience primarily with emotional abuse, and to a much smaller extent sexual abuse.
I believe that the current way that we address abuse as a society only enables abuse to flourish. We demonize and dehumanize abusers as a misplaced act of sympathy for victims of abuse, but in doing so we make it harder for current victims and abusers to question their circumstances and behavior.
If abusers are unforgivable monsters, who’s going to question whether they’re being abusive?
It’s a comforting lie, because the uncomfortable truth is that anybody can be abusive—but if we “other” abusers as monsters, and we all believe (as our egos demand) that we’re not monsters, then pretty much no abuser is going to see themselves as an abuser! That’s just how people work, internally we’re almost always finding ways to justify ourselves and interpret ourselves favorably.
And from the perspectives of those being abused, many people don’t see their abusive loved ones as monsters undeserving of sympathy. They too buy into the justifications—“It’s not their fault, they can’t help it.” If abusers are all intentionally malicious unforgivable monsters, then my loved one must not be an abuser, because I see the best of them. Nobody is all bad.
We make it harder for both sides to consider abuse may be happening when we villainize abusers and treat them as irredeemable.
I think this attitude probably started in support of victims who have felt that their abuser was an irredeemable monster. Victims like that are loud about their experiences, but it’s a mistake to treat that kind of victim as the standard. It’s possible many more victims either still care for their past abuser or are still in ongoing abusive relationships with someone they love.
Rather than joining in with victims like the former, I think we should just allow them to say as they like and maintain a more level perspective ourselves. We shouldn’t prioritize one specific kind of victim.
Besides that… Outside of a kink setting, dehumanization is always wrong. Anybody can change and all people deserve to be recognized as people, not treated as monsters.
With all of that said, the reason I’m writing this is because I believe the real way we prevent abuse is by talking about what it actually looks like from a nuanced perspective.
If someone who has been abusive can feel comfortable talking about what that looked like, and what led to it, then people who are currently being abusive can learn to recognize these patterns in themselves from a neutral setting. That will make it much easier to swallow.
Victims of abuse, who might think they aren’t being abused (because they’re loved and they see their abuser as a good person), may also be able to see their loved one’s behavior and its impact on them more clearly coming from a neutral angle.
As a note: I’ve said before victims are enablers, and it upset quite a few people. I say this even from the perspective of having been abused, I enabled a lot of what I experienced.
Enabling is often a part of abuse, but not always. Some people are actually unable to leave (such as young people who are owned by their parents) and may push back at every turn.
Where enabling is a part of abuse, that still doesn’t place fault on the victim. Abuse and relationships are just complicated, everything is a social exchange. Of course, an individual is still always responsible for their own actions.
So, when I say I’ve been enabled, that isn’t me placing fault elsewhere. I’m still responsible for my own actions. It’s just a part of how the abuse worked in my experiences.
I didn’t word this well in the past because 1. Twitter character limit and 2. Sometimes I’m just insensitive. So I understand why people reacted poorly back then. However, I think recognizing the role enabling plays in abuse is also important.
Ways I’ve been abusive
So, at that point in life we were a system. We’re mostly integrated now, which means “we” is mostly “I.” Specific alter’s personalities played a central role in when we were abusive. At this point, they are all “me” so I’ll also be using “I” to mean all of us together. I, Arden (and all that I include in my new more singular self), take responsibility for all of us. I will also switch between singular and plural pronouns based on what feels most natural.
Other central points leading to our abusive behavior are severe insecure anxious attachment and unmanaged (and undiagnosed) borderline personality disorder.
As a method of healing and accountability, I’ll write from the perspective of both abusive alters. When I refer to myself as “Arden” I mean who I am now, which still feels distinct from these separate perspectives. We’re mostly integrated, not entirely.
Kitty: “The helpless child”
I was the core of our system, and the “traumaholder.” I was a living representation of our anxious attachment issues. That link goes to a page Arden has written about attachment theory, since we don’t want to go into it too much here.
Mostly what it means is that I didn’t know how to regulate emotions on my own and had an extreme fear of abandonment. That fear would pop up constantly and turn everything into a big deal where I felt like I was going to be abandoned and die, even though my partner was extremely committed and loyal.
My fear was unreasonable and led to constant unnecessary conflicts where I would pressure him into meeting my emotional needs. I told myself that I was just a broken child. I couldn’t control my emotions and needed someone else to soothe them for me. That’s what I convinced myself.
That belief allowed me to put a lot of unfair pressure on my partner, who would enable me because he also believed my delusions were true. He believed that I couldn’t help it and that I was broken just like I did. He also felt a huge sense of duty to take care of me for that reason.
I was only “broken” because I believed I was. I thought I couldn’t change, but the truth was just that changing was scary and uncomfortable. If I changed then I would have to change my whole lifestyle, which was formed around the belief I was broken. I have changed now, so it’s clear now I always could have. I just wasn’t willing to try, I clung to the belief I was broken.
I also thought because I was a child (a little) that I was less responsible for myself than I was. The child can’t be abusive, right? But I was. Age has no barring on whether someone can be abusive, and abusive behaviors are often learned in childhood.
The power dynamic between my partner and I played a big role too. We were in a consensual kink-related power dynamic where I was the master. He was my devoted servant. This 24/7 dynamic where I held all the power allowed me to be very abusive and meant he felt that he had to serve me through it.
When I was not having issues, we were both happy. We both liked the way things were, for the most part. A lot of stories of abuse leave out all the good parts. Even recognizing all the harm I caused, I have nostalgia for that time in my life and that relationship. I don’t know how he feels—beyond knowing he doesn’t hate me.
I regret the ways I mistreated him, but I don’t regret the relationship on the whole. I still love him too much to wish none of it happened.
I hope he’s happier now, and that everyone takes his feelings seriously.
Tyki/Lance: “The Monster”
I was a mixture of a few things: A personification of our own desires/attractions; A projection of those desires onto others; Attachment issues; And the reclamation of demonization.
1. Personification of desires
I am exactly what Arden desires. If you know anything about his sexuality, I am his preference. The somewhat-charming predatory “monster.”
I likely had NPD and ASPD. If we still display elements of those, it likely comes from the part of us that is me. Or Val, I guess, he’s similar.
2. Projection
I was told a lot by the people I was involved with that they also liked me for how problematic and scary I was. In hindsight, I think that attraction was more to the idea of me than the reality. Essentially, it got too real.
Because I was what Arden desires, I think we were blinded by our own desires and attractions.
3. Attachment issues
I thought that by being what we desired, I would be desired and needed by others. This made me feel important and safe. As embarrassing as it is, the fear of abandonment existed in me too. I masked it with bravado and dominance.
I still dealt with the core issues Kitty experienced, along with RSD, but I felt embarrassment for it because it didn’t align with my sense of identity. Because of this I would avoid communicating directly and instead try to indirectly manipulate things in my desired direction. I’m sure I came off as confusing and stubborn to others.
4. Reclaimation
If society says that MAPs are monsters, well, maybe I should just enjoy being a monster. This gave me a feeling of power to replace the powerlessness that comes with MAPmisia. I romanticized and sexualized the predatory way others would see me.
People will always justify themselves and try to see themselves in a positive light. If I must be a monster, then maybe being a monster is actually a good thing. Maybe I’m great, and everyone else is beneath me.
All these things together were a perfect storm.
I thought that if people wanted me as I was, a “monster” (which was necessary for entering a relationship with me), then anything I did was justified. After all, that’s what they signed up for, wasn’t it? That’s just what loving me entails—accepting that I’m harmful.
I was willing to change for some people, but not for others. I did change in the end, when those I was willing to change for communicated how they were impacted, but by that point it was too late. I ended up losing all those relationships, and that’s for the best. It wasn’t good for any of us.
Like I said, people said they were into me. But I later learned the people I was with didn’t always communicate honestly either. Like Kitty, I also played with 24/7 power dynamics. And I know well now that insecure attachment is common, and leads to people hiding the truth if they feel like it will risk conflict or abandonment. It’s possible not all I did was actually desired, but an attempt to please me.
My regrets are mainly relying solely on verbal communication to discern whether things were okay or not. For years I thought things were okay when they weren’t, and part of that was because I was ignoring unspoken signals. I trusted my partners to communicate directly, but didn’t consider that the uneven power dynamic, anxiety and insecure attachment may all make that difficult. Even where I was willing to change, I didn’t convey this very well with my general attitude of “love/accept me the way I am, or that’s it.”
I think the cautionary tale of my existence is that if you demonize others, you help create the same demons you hate. I’m responsible for myself, but I didn’t end up that way in a vacuum either.
Onto ways we’ve been abused
Most of the abuse we experienced was either as a teenager or was done to me specifically (Arden) during our time as a system.
Family life:
Our father was a drug and alcohol addict and would steal from our family, including us, constantly. We were also poor, so this meant every nice thing we had pretty promptly got taken away. Our mother would work to buy us things for Christmas, a few months later our father would steal it for drug money.
In our younger years we had a very close relationship with our father, so this felt like a really deep betrayal. It was also constant. Only the past few months have I actually stopped hiding things instinctively when I leave home.
He wasn’t verbally or physically abusive to us, but the environment he cultivated was emotionally damaging. It was an environment of constant stress and conflict, and nothing ever being safe—and knowing I would be lied to and betrayed repeatedly. In my teenage years we butted heads constantly as a result, I was constantly angry with him. I had a lot of resentment, at that point I thought I always would. It took me a long time to let go of it.
Not only was there theft, but he would also emotionally abuse our mother. She would enable this to continue out of a firm belief in “children needing their father.” She regrets this now and has apologized to me many times for not leaving sooner. This is one reason I believe enabling is an important thing to talk about, it prolongs the suffering of victims, it promotes self-destructive behavior in the abuser, and sometimes children are involved too.
I forgive both of them. He didn’t want to be the way he was, and she didn’t either. They both regret the way their actions hurt me. Our father has also quit his addictions.
COCSA:
“Child on child sexual abuse” doesn’t really feel accurate. It was more teenager on teenager. Anyway, this was a best friend who was in love with me, but I wasn’t in love with them back. They resented me for this and would molest me and try to guilt trip me into things. Mainly, I felt discomfort because I wasn’t attracted to them—but I liked the sexual attention otherwise? And simultaneously found it disgusting and upsetting.
It was a mixture of disgust, confusion, and arousal at being touched. And it was clearly against my consent, which brought up confusing and conflicting feelings. How can you enjoy something you don’t want? Did I actually want it? Did I hate it? All of it felt contradictory.
There were a lot of parts of that relationship that were confusing and unhealthy. I wasn’t perfect either, they held more power originally and then it shifted as they came to emotionally rely on me. It was a very messy relationship, which makes sense for two teenagers growing up in abusive environments.
I don’t fault either of us. I forgive them.
As an adult:
All the abuse I experienced at this point was directed at Arden. My personality has changed since then (as I’ve integrated our system) but the people who knew me before can attest that I was an overly-empathic pushover who valued taking care of others more than myself. My new confidence and security is a recent development, and one I cling to because I know just how bad for me catering to other people was. It harmed me a lot.
I’m mainly thinking of two relationships here, and in both of them the other person was pretty similar to how we were when we were abusive. Both had unmanaged borderline personality disorder, both would get triggered easily and lash out. Both would project their own fears and insecurities, and make bad faith assumptions and get more upset based on those assumptions.
Originally I was so afraid of losing people that I would exhaust myself trying to resolve situations like that. And they loved it! Who doesn’t love it when someone does everything they can to care for you? And even sees understanding you and offering care as their duty, no matter what? I catered to them very well. And then I started healing my own attachment issues, saw how it was unfair and damaging, and I stopped. That led to speaking my mind and criticizing them, which led to near constant conflict. They couldn’t stand hearing it. They both resented the way I had changed, at least initially.
I would trigger them with some kind of disagreement or criticism, and then they would trigger me by acting similar to how my alters used to, and then I would push back and they would get more aggressive or guilt trippy… It was an endless destructive cycle. Eventually I reached the point in both of those relationships where I cut contact. I’m back in contact with one of those people now, she seems to be doing better.
I don’t have hard feelings for either of them. I forgive them.
If you’re in a situation similar to any of these, you have to prioritize yourself. If you enable someone, the way I enabled, and the way I was enabled in the past, you really just prolong self-destructive behavior. Along with prolonging your own mistreatment. You deserve better, and someone can’t change and heal if you help them stay the same.
It might feel bad, but their feelings are not your responsibility. Yours are. You have to take care of yourself, nobody else will. You need to be your own parent, caregiver, savior. Because you’re the only one who will always be there. Make sure you’re good to yourself.
Thank you for reading. I hope this helps someone. Take care of yourself! 💙