Or “SAPOC” for short.
This is intended to be used as a code of values to hold yourself to in communication, it’s not intended as a way to evaluate others. It can be used to identify others who adhere to the same code (if they list it on a profile for instance), like how paraphiles identify each other with symbols, letters, and emojis.
I recommend people advertise it if they use it so that it can spread, mainly because I think our community (and the internet in general) needs to promote a better standard of communication. The idea is to overtime build up a community that promotes and embodies these values, similar to the Zeta community and PLUR (the latter of which fails often). Hopefully this can lead to more healthy communication over time. I especially hope it improves communication in the para community. I’m pretty sick of all the petty drama and gossipy behaviors. Our community is vulnerable enough without making ourselves weaker.
You don’t have to like me or be associated with me to use it. If you don’t want to advertise it but just refer to it for yourself then that’s fine too.
Even when advertised it shouldn’t be taken entirely at face-value. People can be hypocritical and fail to follow their own values. This is why it’s intended to be used a code to hold yourself to. Another reason why this is not to be used as a way of judging others is that if failure to follow the code was treated in an accusatory way, it would go against the entire premise of the code. It would lead to unhealthy, unproductive, accusatory communication.
Someone does not need to be a paraphile to use this! But if you use this code and behave in harmful ways you are not actually following the code. Therefore, the vast majority of anti-paraphiles can’t use this code. Its fundamentally incompatible.
This is all stuff I’ve learned from a lot of trial and error over the years, and I’m still not perfect. This is also a code for me to stick to myself. If other people do use it, and it ends up spreading better communication habits, that’s just an added benefit. I’ll be using it regardless. And I will definitely fail, but I’ll keep trying to improve anyway.
This is not intended to be used in an activist setting (like changing people’s minds), but it overlaps, since activism requires communication.
1. Understanding
Assume good faith as much as possible–or just ask!
Ask yourself if there’s multiple ways a statement could be intended–and default to the better one. When good faith interpretation is difficult or unlikely to be accurate, ask for clarification in a way that highlights your willingness to understand.
Example: “I want to take a good faith interpretation here, but it seems like you’re saying <interpretation>. Can you explain this for me so I know I’m understanding you correctly?”
The purpose of this is to avoid situations where both sides are disagreeing while they’re actually mutually misunderstanding each other—or one side is deeply misunderstanding the other. Instead of continuing an argument that may be unnecessary, be sure you understand what the other person is saying. You’ll feel less like an idiot later, and you’ll manage to maintain relationships you would otherwise lose.
Clear up bad faith misconceptions in a civil and direct way.
Example: “What I meant was actually <explanation>” (you can add in a “but I understand how you would interpret me that way” if you want to come off more agreeable)
If someone is unwilling to recognize your actual perspective, disengage. Don’t maintain relationships or discussions where other’s aren’t willing to understand your point of view.
2. Growth
Disagreements are not a contest, they’re an opportunity for mutual growth.
Avoid trying to “win” your disagreements, instead try to promote coming to a point of mutual understanding and learning through discussion. This means trying to understand the other person’s perspective as well as offering your own.
If they are treating the disagreement like a contest, express your willingness to understand their perspective and ask if they’re interested in understanding yours. If they keep treating the disagreement as a contest, disengage. It’s a waste of time.
Tip: People will probably be more willing to listen to your perspective if you express understanding and interest in their own first. Find common ground and disagreements will become easier–assuming the other person is at all reasonable.
You can be wrong, you will be wrong, and that’s okay.
Everyone always think’s they’re right, otherwise they wouldn’t think or act the way they do. Even when we can feel we might be wrong, our ego’s make this difficult to accept. We can end up doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to explain to ourselves how we’re correct.
The antidote to this is to accept that you will be wrong, you’re definitely wrong about something right now, even–and that’s okay. Be willing to learn and grow.
Tip: Pay attention to how your body feels during conflict, when someone tells you that you’re wrong. This uncomfortable feeling can cause us to resist, because when we were young we learned to associate being wrong with failure (and potentially social punishment). We can interpret this feeling of resistance as assurance that we’re correct. It’s just a feeling. When this feeling comes up, recognize your resistance, and remind yourself “it’s okay to be wrong.” It may mean you have to readjust how you handle parts of your life, or rethink your worldview–that’s a part of growing as a person!
3. Patience
Take space away from a conflict when you’re feeling emotionally activated.
Whether it’s sadness, desperation, anger, etc. No matter what strong emotion it is, you can’t think clearly while you’re emotionally activated. You might be in defense mode and unable to take criticism. Or you might be terrified of abandonment and willing to self-sacrifice to appease whoever it is criticizing or disagreeing with you at any cost.
It can be hard to step away from conflict, but it will make you stronger and prevent damage to both yourself and your relationships. Some things can’t be realized without sitting with discomfort for awhile, and just giving things time.
If someone demands immediate resolution, they’re prioritizing their own emotions and desires over yours. This is more reason to step away, they also need to learn patience–and respect.
4. Don’t fan the fire
Avoid gossip and feeding into drama.
This includes accusations related to abuse or contact stances. If someone comes to you and says, “this person is bad for xyz reasons” you shouldn’t take their word for it. Either express your disinterest, or ask for context and evidence.
Even when provided this evidence, you should not assume it’s free of bias and that there isn’t context being left out. You should avoid taking a solid stance without speaking to the other individual(s) first. If you’re not willing to do that, then you shouldn’t take a solid stance. Recognize what you’ve been shown but also recognize there’s more you haven’t seen.
Approach conflict from an angle of nuance. No person is all good or all bad, and everyone hurts or harms others at some point. Never demonize or dehumanize others.
When you experience conflict, don’t spread it.
Don’t air out your drama, especially not to get people “on your side” to punish the other person(s). The only time you should spread conflict is when others are unaware and face significant risk of harm, and awareness to the other person’s behavior will help prevent that harm. Callout posts are a last resort.
Venting about others should be kept to a minimum, even more so if you aren’t willing to talk to those people to get their side of the story. You’ll probably vent about someone eventually, and that’s okay, just try and avoid it (especially outside trusted circles).
Venting about specific people is different from venting about general kinds of people, but don’t use the latter as a workaround for the former. The main point of this part is to avoid spreading gossip and drama.
People mistreating you does not make it okay for you to mistreat them.
Harmful behaviors are abusive because they’re harmful, the target is irrelevant. Justification for harming other’s is always abusive. This doesn’t mean we should demonize people who stand up for themselves, but there’s a difference between self-defense and vengeance.
Avoid condescending language, bad faith assertions, insults, etc. It’s all unproductive.
5. Self-reflection
Practice healthy self-criticism.
Everyone is capable of harmful/abusive behaviors, that includes you. Never assume you’re too good to harm others, because that in itself will hide any negative impact from your awareness. Question your behavior and analyze the impact you have on others, especially in close relationships.
Reflect on whether or not you’ve been embodying these values.
Reflect each day or week, but especially reflect after each conflict. The more important the relationship and the more intense the conflict, the more you should reflect.
You will fail sometimes. That’s okay, but strive to do better.
6. Self-respect
Don’t just be a pushover.
You should be open to the idea you’re behaving in a harmful way–but just because someone tells you your behavior is harmful, you shouldn’t just take their word for it. Don’t allow yourself to be gaslit or pressured into a direction.
Take time to think about their statement away from them, on your own, and if necessary ask for input from others (and give the complete context).
Tip: You need to have strong self-defined values, or else you’ll always end up bending to the pressures of others. When in doubt, your values are your guide. If your values are to put others above yourself, then you should rework those values.
You are (only) responsible for your own emotions.
You shouldn’t seek out to upset others or disregard their emotions, but if your authentic thoughts and feelings hurt other’s, their feelings don’t matter more than your authenticity and honesty does. Hurt is a natural part of discussion and relationships. It’s unavoidable unless we always seek to please others–which is damaging in itself.
This isn’t an excuse to say abusive things, or disregard other’s emotions–You should try to say what you need to say in the least damaging way that you can. But sometimes what you actually think will hurt regardless. That doesn’t mean you should censor yourself for others. In fact, sometimes things that hurt to hear are necessary for us to grow. Growing isn’t without pain and discomfort.
Likewise, other people are not responsible for your emotions. Just because something someone said hurt, doesn’t mean they were incorrect or abusive. Emotions are not logical, and “right” and “wrong” are not always black and white. Your relationships should not be built on others catering to your emotions. You cant grow if you reject all emotional discomfort.
Don’t self-sacrifice.
This ties into the last point. If you care a lot about others and always try to understand them, it’s easy to put yourself in a self-destructive trap made up of a martyr complex and/or a savior complex. You might think the best thing you can do is always be there for somebody and be understanding no matter what. This can easily enable abusive and self-destructive behaviors in others, along with hurting yourself.
If you’re always sacrificing your own energy and wellbeing to take care of someone else, they’ll never learn how to self-regulate–and yes, everybody can learn. But not if they’re being enabled and other people are affirming their belief in incapability. I have a post about my own experiences with abuse which explains this concept if you’re interested.
Besides that, you’re the only one you can really rely on. It’s your duty to take care of yourself. And in doing so, you lead by example and teach others how to take care of themselves. If you need a way to spin it that doesn’t feel selfish, then think about it that way, “If I want others to take care of themselves, I need to show them how, and I can’t help them self-destruct.”
A better world starts with each of us, be the change you want to see.
Like I said, I’m not perfect and this is something I’m working on for myself, so my making this isn’t coming from a place of thinking I’m better than anybody. These are things most people struggle with, conflict isn’t something we’re really taught how to navigate, unless we’re very lucky about what family we’re born into. We have to teach ourselves.
Thanks for reading, have a nice day 💙
Leave a Reply