How accepting misogyny kink helps free survivors

This is technically about all kinks, but I mention misogyny kink specifically because I think it’s one of the most taboo (yet very popular) kinks. This means a lot of people experience it and likely many feel shame for it.

Firstly, we live in a religiously influenced puritanical society which instills deep sex shame into the general population. Deviant sex of any kind is considered taboo, even sex in general is considered taboo to talk about if it’s a public/mainstream audience. This is partly because of the idea of “protecting kids from sexuality” which actually does more harm than good. For one, it teaches them sex and sexuality should not be spoken about (meaning they receive very limited information.) This leads to developing sex shame that impacts people well into their adult lives until they choose to address it. It all comes from how children are taught to think about sex and sexuality, which is to say not at all.

Because of this we have a society that hides sex and considers it dirty and wrong. The kinkier it is, the worse you are for enjoying it. This gives abusers a lot of power over submissives. In the context of misogyny kink, there’s usually ongoing themes of abuse targeted towards people assigned female at birth, most often cis women. Because women are expected (due to religious influence) to be pure, and because of a desire for societal progression (which is otherwise good), women in particular deal with a lot of internalized sex shame. They’re less likely to post nudes than men and less likely to explore “problematic” kinks and fantasies openly (even though a large amount of women have rape fantasies.) The feelings are widespread, but the experiences are hushed whispers hidden in the dark.

Because of how women are impacted by both sex shame and real misogyny, they’re especially vulnerable to those things being used against them. Abusers can turn misogyny kink into real misogyny, or people who get aroused because of having that kink may decide to try being with a real misogynist who will likely become an abuser. Real dehumanization can’t be at play in a safe relationship and can even lead to the victim being unable to communicate safely.

Some of the ways an abuser uses kinks against a submissive can look like this:

• Internalized dehumanization backed up by kink-related beliefs and arousal

”If you enjoy being dehumanized it means you are innately lesser, it feels good because it’s the truth.” Someone who’s aroused by dehumanization can easily give into this line of thinking and then it might feel like they’re body is their own worst enemy; and they can either accept it or live in denial. If deviant kinks were considered less taboo and spoken about more this is where others can interject “Just because you’re aroused by something doesn’t mean it’s an objective fact or that it’s good for you.”

• Isolation and fear of rejection

”If people knew you were into this they would see you as disgusting/a failure/a hypocrite/a bad person” or “Only I (or people like me) will accept you” This can lead to someone thinking if they want this kind of mistreatment in their sex lives they have to get it from genuine misogynists and abusers. Obviously pervasive sex shame in society gives abusers far too much power. Wider acceptance of deviant sexuality and misogyny kink would take away this tool entirely and help free many survivors.

• Blackmail

Many abusers record the sex acts they perform with their submissive and sometimes these can be used as blackmail to keep their victim under control. This blackmail would have less weight if societal acceptance of deviance was widespread, because people would be more judging of the abuser than the victim – and the victim wouldn’t risk losing work or connections over the materials posted.

• No room for criticism

People often enter into the dynamic because its arousing, but they haven’t taken much time to consider how always saying yes (or otherwise keeping their opinions silent) will effect not just themselves but other people. An insecure dominant will become an abuser because they wont be able to accept criticism from their submissive, they believe in the dehumanization which invalidates the opinions of anyone deemed lesser. This means that people being abused (whether emotionally or physically) risk more abuse if they voice their opinions and observations if it upsets the abuser. This can also keep them from being able to share information their partner needs to grow and become better.

• Codependency and sex-based incompetency

Many women will give up building their own lives and entrust everything to a man in a dynamic like this, and they may initially truly desire it. But aroused and infatuated people aren’t usually rational. Either way the result is dangerous as the submissive becomes emotionally and/or financially dependent on the abuser. There’s also a lot of framing around the idea of women being useless when not led by a man, not knowing how to perform in the same basic ways, being less intelligent. None of those things are true, but when someone is internalizing these messages all the time, even from a state of arousal, they may begin to buy into the concept of sex-based incompetency. Self esteem in general may be low and that makes it harder to believe escape is possible.

This is another reason why discussion around misogyny kink is important, so that it can be levelled with facts. Like the fact that women are no less intelligent then men, and therefore no less capable. The result of more discussion is less misinformation and less room for manipulation.

I’m sure there are many other ways misogyny kink interacts with actual misogyny, but the overarching point is that shame related to the kink leaves submissives more vulnerable to abuse. A kink-positive society is a society where people don’t need to fear their kink getting out or being used against them, because they’ll have overwhelming support to negate anyone who tries.

To support women you have to also support women (and people in general) with problematic kinks.