I just wanted to have it all in one place, in detail. Consider this an in-depth reference guide.
This is mostly for the fun of self expression, but it’s also for ease of shareability when I want to inform someone (like people I’m interested in, for instance!) This ended up pretty long.
Sexuality
I’m going to start off with a pie chart I made and then I’ll explain each component.
I have three main aspects of my sexuality. I shift between these three slices and each affects me differently. They each provide something fulfilling.
Starting with the smallest piece of the pie, this is the regulatory section! It houses most of my attractions to youth. Younger ages have more romance based attraction than sexual.
As a system we found out about this at about 16. I figured it out about two years into existing. I was in denial for awhile because I wanted to be the stereotypical ‘good normal person’ – I’ve come to learn the ‘normal’ part of that is completely undesirable. Strict norms are suffocating, freedom is wild and fulfilling. Loving yourself is worth so much more than selling yourself and your freedom.
Mostly I swing into this section when I’m burnt out with the rest of my sexuality. Being in conflict or distress can become overwhelming and then it feels reliving to play a role where I have control. In the domestic shift I like to do caregiving, I also like themes of ownership. I like playing the traditional masculine roles of father and husband. The teacher role is also fun.
Here’s an image I found on fedi that I filled out, I’ll include it empty at the bottom if you want it!
So these are my ages of attraction, and some other stuff. As you can see my minor attractions start around 6 years old, primarily for boys but not always, and peak at around 15. My over all age attractions peak in the thirties. The ages matter much less once you hit 15, and then the attraction is much more based on the individual. But generally, I’m most into teenage boys and young-mid adult men.
Now to explain the next two parts of the pie chart! These two shifts blur at points, the main difference is the way they play out as I experience them.
So first, “peri” comes from “periphillia” which is a paraphillia I coined myself. It comes from the word “periculum” which means perilous, danger, conflict. Periphillia is arousal and attraction associated with (moral or mortal) conflict, fear and discomfort. It’s about attraction between opposing forces.
In the peri shift my mind is alert and I’m acting towards my own goals at the same time as I’m feeling attraction towards an ideological and/or moral opponent. I get fulfillment from helping people change and heal – which is why I reach out to those who are different from me and seem to be perpetuating insecurity (all misogynists are insecure for example.) At the same time I still feel attraction, and the adrenaline and fear associated with conflict increases that. It makes me all the more invested.
Then there’s the degradation shift. This one is only based on arousal. In this shift I’m not mentally alert, I just want more. To be hurt, to be wanted, approval, to be less, to be owned and filled. This comes with the most mind-numbing waves of arousal but is also generally short lived.
Just to show my preference levels for aggression. I feel attraction to extreme sadists as well but I don’t feel any desire to be injured beyond cutting, hitting, and impact play. I only masturbate to dubcon and rape, the stronger the element of non-consent is the more aroused I tend to be.
There’s not much to say about this shift, it’s pretty simple despite being very intense!
On to the next section! This one fits into both the peri and degradation shifts.
I share many aspects of my sexuality with our core host Kitty, this is probably the biggest one. We have some trauma associated with this kink, not because of anything that happened, but because she found it at a vulnerable time in an environment where sex was not openly spoken about. This meant when she stumbled across genuine misogynists in porn spaces online she didn’t feel like she could talk to anyone about it. When you’re a teenager and still figuring so much out, coming across messages like “The differences between men and women are inherent and women are objectively lesser intellectually and physically” can be pretty impactful. Primarily because, if that was the case, how could she ever know? She couldn’t just acquire a “male brain” to find out. This led to a lot of uncertainty.
Thankfully we were born into a time where genuine misogyny was already frowned upon so things like that were isolated to niche corners online. That meant she was able to come to the conclusion it wasn’t a socially acceptable mindset, and part of that is because its based in a poor understanding of how sexes work, but also dehumanization – Which is always wrong.
We still consider it to be traumatic though, just because we didn’t feel we could talk about it. That led it to sticking in our brain for longer than it should have. The most harmful part was the confusion of the arousal it gave her, misogynists use that as a tactic: Arousal = Truth. Which is one way people justify their beliefs. Arousal doesn’t mean anything other than arousal.
I also have a lot of love for misogynistic men. You can’t be a misogynist without being insecure, a lot leads someone in that direction. Anyone can change and I want to help those kinds of people. Life can only be so fulfilling if you get all of your self worth out of dehumanizing others and sexual pleasure.
With the personal lore out of the way, here’s specifically what I’m into!
✨⭐️ De-gendered Sexism ⭐️✨
When sexism relies on gender I mostly find it disappointing and illogical. Sex is just our biology, and to a large extent it’s changeable. Gender is a combination of roles, identity, and expression – how one see’s themselves. When (real) sexism includes gender I just see it as an attempt to force others to conform to your worldview. If you see someone as lesser for their genitals, why would their understanding of themselves even matter to you? It’s hypocritical and contradictory – It’s insecurity when faced with clashing information. It’s ignorant, and ignorance isn’t attractive or superior.
The sexism I find most arousing is sexism that operates without including identity, social expectation, or inaccurate understandings of sex. Who I am doesn’t matter, how I present doesn’t matter, what roles I choose to fulfill don’t matter. What matter’s is that I’m small, weak, and have an extra hole specifically evolved to be fucked – Whether or not I consent to it. In fact, being used regardless or how I look and present, simply because I can be, is the most arousing idea to me.
I do also like some aspects of sexism around strength differences in general – “You’re small and weak so you can do these tasks, I’m taller and stronger so I can do these ones” but this is less sexual and more just about teamwork that takes differences into account – Of course this can be rejected for preference.
I’m not into the idea of a society where sex determines role, that would just recreate the gender binary and force people into roles they don’t want to fulfill. If someone wants social limitation or outright dehumanization they have to choose it for themselves. I also believe we need to destigmatize people making those choices.
I know for a trans person I’m in the minority on this, but over time I’ve separated the words for sex from the concept of gender. I don’t view “female” as being inherently connected to womanhood, I don’t view “male” as being inherently connected to manhood. I’m comfortable being called a female man.
I think the trans community at large needs to make some sort of decision about how we separate sex terminology from gender terminology, because as it is we’re just really confusing! Most people are still using these terms interchangeably whether they’re trans or cis. We’re never going to effectively educate people on the differences of sex and gender if we, as trans people, keep using these terms the same way. Who’s going to believe us when we say these two things are different if we do this?
This isn’t to say we need to keep using male and female, but if we don’t use those then we need to replace them. Another option I’ve seen is Wolffian and Müllerian. I would be open to using these! Regardless, we need to stop using sex terminology and gender terminology interchangeably.
Onto my own gender identity! I made this reference image for fun.
Primarily I identify as agender, this is because gender isn’t “real” – At least not real in the way people treat it. It’s made up of social norms and roles and expressions. Personally I view genders like outfits, we all have outfits we feel best represent us. My chosen outfit is “man” – Its something I wear because it fits comfortably.
I consider myself a man with a pretty even balance of feminine and masculine. If I wanted to be a woman I could be. I used to consider myself bigender, with periods of feeling like a woman (and in those cases, feeling more like I should be male and a tomboy) currently I don’t experience this but I feel like I could again at some point. “Man” is just where I’m most comfortable.
In addition to where I’m most comfortable, I also just find myself more attractive now! I like being attractive to myself. I think a lot of people focus on looking however they think their sex of attraction will most like them, and I think it’s a disservice to oneself to build your appearance off of what other’s would like you to be. Whether that’s conforming to more widespread gender norms, your personal idea of what your sex of attraction wants, or something a specific partner may want.
Be what you want to be!
Social expression!
I added social expression because I feel like this is something thats intertwined with gender. Many people conform to gender norm expectations introduced in childhood (whether they’re trans or cis) this leads to internalizing certain behaviours. Until you rewire whatever you internalized as a child it stays the same.
I’ve done a lot of rewiring and where I’ve gotten is a mixture of the learned self confidence to be disliked and neurodivergences. In other words… I’m pretty annoying. I inform people who don’t want to be informed, I offer unsolicited advice, and I say things a lot of people don’t like. This is all because I’m confident in myself and like myself, if I didn’t feel this way I couldn’t behave the way I do now. I’m not right all the time but I’d rather speak and be wrong than not speak authentically.
I also have the open emotional vulnerability and adept emotional communication that comes from internalizing that this is an okay way to be and having ample practice growing up. Empathy is something I struggle with though, depending on my emotional state and circumstance. I might be blunt and detached or I might be considerate and soft, it really depends on the moment. I strive to be loving but I have to love myself first, and part of loving myself is not forcing myself to act in-authentically.
I also fidget a lot. I like fidget toys and if I don’t have those I’ll bounce my leg.
That’s all! Thank you if you read all this. Have a nice day! 💙