An open letter to self-identified misogynists

This is an open letter so it has the potential to reach as many as possible, I’m willing to talk to get to know your individual circumstances if you like.

You have the ability to become truly happy and be loved for who – not what – you are. If you’re always angry at society, and hatred or dehumanization consumes your daily life, that’s a sign of significant unhappiness. Maybe also feelings of social inadequacy or rejection.

In case you haven’t been told before, your feelings (even sadness and vulnerability) matter just as much as the feelings of others. I’m sorry if others have said things that made you feel your feelings don’t matter. You’re deserving of empathy, understanding and belonging. In response to feeling like they don’t matter to others, or like they aren’t good enough on their own, some people turn to dehumanizing others. It’s a shortcut to feelings of superiority. It becomes a sort of superiority complex, but is not widely recognized (probably due to the taboo nature of supremacy.)

Young boys in particular internalize that their feelings don’t matter, “boy’s don’t cry” has long lasting effects. Every human can feel every emotion. Sadness and vulnerability are okay, they’re a necessary part of you.

Every person, regardless of sex, has doubts, fears, and insecurities. Every person also sometimes has feelings of inferiority – they only become complexes when we don’t manage them in healthy ways. If you can’t confide those feelings in others, you don’t know true connection.

If you don’t believe you have any of those, consider why you argue with yourself or imaginary others in your mind. What preoccupies you?

In order for your full self to be loved you have to let others see it. Not everyone will love you and that’s fine. Other’s will. It might take some time to find those people, which is why first you have to love yourself. Real self love isn’t based on loving immutable traits, like being male or white, it’s in accepting your flaws and weaknesses – Alongside changing in ways you can to become happier.

You deserve true connection in your life. You have a place in greater society without having to hide or live a double life. You are wanted not for your attributes or roles, but for who you are (which is not bigotry, no person is inherently bigoted) and who you can be – removed from your race, sex and status. The entire self that lives in your mind, including all your doubts, fears, and insecurities.

I sincerely believe you’re capable of developing empathy and love for the same people you’ve dehumanized, even if you don’t believe that right now. It’s a choice you have to pursue – to choose to care. If you deny yourself the ability you’ll never have it. If you make the choice not to, it might be so that you can avoid facing regret, avoid the possibility of rejection and emotional pain, avoid recognizing ways in which you’ve been wrong, or an unwillingness to give up the crutch you’ve used up until now to deal with feelings of inferiority.

I just want you to know true intimate connection is possible for you, because I truly believe it’s possible for everyone. We’re all a member of the same humanity; we’re the same species. We’re born to connect.

First you have to let down the barrier that is relying on superiority and dehumanization. It keeps you from actually being understood as a complete person on an emotionally intimate level. It places your worth on the physical, and denies the depth of the internal and complex mental experience. That’s where your value truly is, you. Not the body or the circumstance you were born in. Your conscious being itself.

Other supremacists can’t offer (at least not as supremacists) true acceptance or intimacy, because you’ll always have to be the version of you they want to see – One that always affirms them. True relational intimacy can’t exist between supremacists, because it involves sharing vulnerability moment to moment. It also involves disagreement where both sides can consider being wrong.

Many rapists and abusers also later have regrets, sometimes into their old age, when they realize how (self)destructively they spent their lives. You can change at any point, it’s up to you. Live in a way you wont later regret. It’s never too late to change your life.

Some tools for change are:

• Adlerian psychology
• Attachment theory
• And building a real support network.

Additionally: There are no bad fantasies, only bad actions. Having any kind of sexual attraction or fantasy doesn’t make you destined to act on it. Arousal doesn’t mean something is “right” or good for you, but arousal itself is never morally wrong. It requires no justification.

You can exist with those sexual feelings without shame, and without causing harm, without abandoning your sexuality. There are safe ways to practice power dynamics and consensual non-consent. Relying on actual dehumanization though will lead to codependency, and can become dangerous and self-destructive for both/all parties.

Remember that something feeling good in the moment doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Substance abuse also feels good, but the addiction that develops leads to more over-all suffering. You become reliant on the high to feel good, without it you feel miserable. Relying on hatred keeps you dependent on a sort of “high” that gives you a sense of power. Addictions can be overcome.

You don’t need that shallow sense of power to be happy. It’s a weak substitute for true happiness and fulfillment.

If you don’t know where to start building your support network, you could start with me. If you read this without me first having sent it to you, you can reach me on any of my (active) linked social media, [email protected] or on session 053f3ff485304634500221d2a7bde819fe2c8d5e9f7726fdbb17804fe9cc07da4b

I wont share anything you share with me, but if you want to talk about past illegal acts, please do so responsibly for your own sake. I don’t believe in the punishment-based prison system, and I don’t want anyone to suffer for their past misdeeds. I only want you to change in positive ways.

I wont bother to reply to hatred or aggressive venting (unless I have something I can educate you on) but I am willing to listen. I will give you my honest thoughts and I wont be cruel or judgmental. I don’t know you, so it may mean nothing to you, and that’s okay – but I love you. Not for what you are or for what you’ve done, but for your being itself.

Learn to love yourself, let yourself become happy, and have a nice day 💙